We all know that some people are just easier to get along with than others. Communication with them is effortless—when you talk or send them an email, they just “get it.”
And, we also know that there are some people who just don’t understand. At all. Ever.
These individuals may want volumes of detail that you don’t have, or they can be so vague you have no idea what they want, or they need to know the end result before you start, or they constantly seem to be telling everyone else what to do.
By dissecting and then understanding the critical polarities in communication that can cause conflict or misunderstanding, we can all communicate more effectively—with better results. The key is to understand your own communication “style” and then recognize and adapt to others’ styles.
The Communication Process
“When dealing with people, remember you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but creatures of emotion.” ~ Dale Carnegie
Let’s start with a graphic of the basic communication process involving two individuals (the “Sender” and the “Receiver”).
The process starts with an idea, thought or concept in the mind of the “Sender.” The “Sender” unconsciously “encodes” the message using their natural (preferred) style of organization which is then received by the “Receiver” and decoded.
1. We have found that people encode their message in a number of ways:
- Linear
- Structured sequentially, these messages typically provide the background first, then the current situation, and then the desired future state.
- Step by step
2. Tactical
“The art of finding and implementing means to achieve immediate or short-term goals.” Or, bettering one’s moves in the here and now. Highly contextual, this style of structuring will vary the way the information is delivered depending on a variety of factors.
“Senders” preferring this style may innately adjust the message depending on who they are speaking with. At times, the urgency of the situation may overcome a need to explain complexity and the Sender simply “nets it out.”
Strength: ability to distill vast amounts of information and give just key points.
Liability: may exclude key pieces of information that are important to the receiver.
3. Strategic
This style tends to start with the pre-determined end result and work backwards. Typically, the message begins at the end point or the macro focus, followed by the parts. The levels of abstraction from which a dialogue begins may act as a stimulus for some and a deterrent for others.
Strength: the "Receiver will always know the objective of the conversation.
Liability: the "Receiver may feel constrained and think that there is no or little room for discussion,input, or alternative points of view.
4. Impressionistic
These messages are often structured on a conceptual level. Beginning with an idea or a framework and integrating information as it comes to mind.
Strength: can inspire or engage the "Receiver."
Sending The Message
Further complicating communication is how we "send" the message. In face-to-face (analog) communication, we send messages using words, delivery and body language.
Studies show that:
- 55% of the message is sent non-verbally (body language)
- 38% with delivery (tone, pace, volume, and the like)
- 7% with words
In face-to-face communication we must be aware of the substantial impact that our body language, tone, pace, and volume have, as they convey nearly the entire message.
When messages are digital (email, Instant Messenger, phone text), we lose the visual and auditory cues that make up 93% of face-to-face communication.
Because IM (Instant Messaging) and phone text are more casual, with their own lexicon and typing shortcuts, e.g. LOL (laughing out loud), IMHO (in my humble opinion) BRB (be right back), OTP (on the phone), there is more forgiveness in delivery. It's also why there are emoticons (symbols to express emotion). That is not the case with email.
Having replaced the business and personal letter, and because it is so "low context" in email communication, words are 100% of the message. Delivery (tone, pace, volume) are expressed with words, punctuation, (e.g., typing in all capital letters is equivalent to shouting) and sometimes graphical images.
Word Choice
We have also found that our word choice can be delineated in four distinct patterns corresponding to our structuring style.
Traditional Word Choice
"Broadly speaking, the short words are the best, and the old words best of all." ~ Winston Churchill
This is characterized by someone who uses an appropriate name for an item or words that are common to that industry.
For example a project manager may speak about "dashboards" or "swim lanes," words that reflect norms for someone with that domain expertise. The words carry with them an inclusive or exclusionary standard. If you are part of the team or industry, understanding is easy; if you are not part of that group, they may not define terms for the layman and you are excluded from the conversation.
Concise or Colloquial
"Be amusing: never tell unkind stories; above all, never tell long ones." ~ Benjamin Disraeli
The hallmark of this style is storytelling ability using similes to drive a point home.
If in the telling of the tale the message is not received or a sense of urgency prevails, they will simply "net it out" using buzzwords, slang, or common language.
An example may be "more bang for the buck" or "she dis'd" that person. This type of word choice can create informal discussions or completely mystify a receiver if they are not familiar with these cultural or generational terms.
Precise terminology
"Be precise. A lack of precision is dangerous when the margin of error is small." ~ Donald Rumsfeld
"Senders” preferring this style often choose to use words that accurately express the nuance of what they are trying to communicate.
They may need many words to describe the abstract concept that they are trying to convey. This can sound elegant and descriptive; however, it can be perceived to be condescending and pedantic.
An example that comes to mind is a professor who was describing what he was teaching in the classroom. He stated, “We are engaged in an interdisciplinary fusion; we are re-knitting the fabric of the intellectual agenda in a way that isn’t happening anywhere else.”
Global Language
"For NASA, space is still a high priority." ~ Dan Quayle
This style is often sprinkled with words like “always,” “never,” “forever.”
Absolutes and exaggerations, while charming and many times inspiring, may cause the listener to cast doubt on the credibility of the sender.
For example, one man stated, “I never drink, but when I do…” or one young woman who excitedly exclaimed, “I’m getting married on a huge tennis court this weekend!” As she said it, someone in the class remarked, “As opposed to what? Aren’t all tennis courts the same?”
After sending the message the “Receiver” needs to “unpack” or decode the message. They do this through “the open-ended domain of interpretation.”
How does the “Sender” of the message, the one with the most vested interest in the message being received the way it was intended, gauge how the receiver is hearing it?
Conclusion
Communication skills training may merit consideration if you feel your message is not being effectively sent or received. Or, you can use these few simple techniques for more effective communication:
- Listen to how the other person structures their messages. Is it Linear, Tactical, Strategic or Impressionistic? Try to frame your message in their style.
- Listen to word choice. Is it Traditional, Colloquial, Precise or Global? Use their language. We tend to resonate and listen more closely to people who "speak our language."
- Ask yourself, what is the receiver's level of knowledge of the subject, their experience, or bias? Then tailor your message to meet their needs.
- Ask for feedback. Complete the cycle and check for understanding.
Most importantly adapt to the needs of your receiver. Remember we all give it the way we like it!
